Confusion and pressure

I self destruct every relationship so that i don't get hurt... but in truth i just hurt myself worse in the long run..

 

It has come to the realisation that I'm at the age (or rather I should really say phase…) of……

 

….well…. getting a partner I suppose?

 

Or in one word… love.

 

To me, 'love' is interpreted in many different ways. There is 'love' as in passion or something you like eg. Food/animal/etc. that's the word I always say. The other 'love' is "love love" which pretty much relates to…. Love/romance (ok.. that "love love" thing is something I made up.. ) something I very rarely say. Or not say at all.

 

Now let's keep in mind that this is what I SEE so far.. I know there are many definitions of 'love'.. a lot more than those 2 mentioned cos right now, I'm getting the feeling that when readers read at this point, they're gonna track me down and give negative comments and say, "stop being so idiotic and naïve and get a life etc"

 

Now this "love love" part is the issue where it's making me lock myself in my house and not come out anymore. and as the title says, I am feeling confused and pressured by all this.

 

Now let's start with PRESSURE:

 

… I guess it's self-explanatory. But flipping through facebook, I see that almost all my high school friends now have a b/f. slowly I see my friends are getting paired one by one. Everywhere I go I see people walk in twos. It's like, in my face all the time!!!! I feel more of a loner and an outsider. Even in my own class cos I got no friends (well very few.. one or two) but pretty much on my own 90% of the time.

 

Sometimes I ask myself if I should just blend in. but everyday when I look in the mirror I see someone that no one would want. Who would want me anyway? I see a somewhat rude, dirty and unattractive girl who has conversations with a dog and a laptop to take her away from reality. She barely talks outside that it's no surprise if she's referred to as, "the mute one". She has shame over her looks that she doesn't want to wear dresses or skanky tops (which are the latest summer fashion) because she's been through so many looks and remarks from the public over the obvious mark of hideousness on her shoulder. Some ppl may think it's 'unique' but the only special treatment she gets was, "excuse me but did someone put kerosol on you and light you or something? Cos THAT'S not normal"

 

Why is everyone pressuring others to be normal? What is normal?? How is remaining single and unmarried for the rest of your life NOT normal!??!

 

And the confusion part?

I remember mum once saying when I was 12 that I must not befriend a guy until I was 18 (which I of course broke at 14 lol but she gave an exception) and I must not have a b/f until I was 21.

 

Yet she's giving me hints that whenever I mention a guy-friend she wants to have a closer look and always ask "is HE your boyfriend?"

 

"of course not mum" is what I say next.

 

Recently she's reminding me of how ugly my face looks when there is the slightest red spot on my face. This got my annoyed and frustrated cos I don't have the time to look after my face and literally told her, "I DON'T CARE MUM!!!!! NO ONE WANTS ME ANYWAY!!!"

Mum: I just want you to look pretty (I know what she was thinking at the back of her mind >.> looking pretty for a boy)

 

And now? She's bugging me with hugs and kisses every week and going "you're my pretty girl"

 

(FARRRRRR OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I'm not pretty anyway >.> I don't carry any attractive trait at all. My sister took it all. I was the ugly duckling ever to crawl the earth.

 

The confusing part is that I don't know if my mum wants me to have a boyfriend or not. If so, is it now? If not, soon there will a stage where she will need to let me go. Can't live under her roof forever. I remember last year when I was with mum in a small room for her to get changed into a gown so she can have a CAT scan and she need to be injected with… something. We came to this conversation with the nurse about marriage and children and stuff and the nurse was like, "I have a daughter who's 35 and she's not married! She still lives with me. sometimes I want her to move out of home so I can retire. It's so fascinating how children grow up so fast. But not her! She doesn't seem to want to leave the house!"

 

And yesterday (Thursday) I am now prepared that in my career, the main topic in a convo with a patient and yourself would be:

 

Children/marriage

 

"do you have any kids?"

"are you married??" *feels through the glove to find a ring on the left hand*

"I have __ children. __ boys __ girl. I don't like the girls. The girls always go away. The boys are better"

Blah blah blah blah blah blah

 

Shoooooot….. imagine me in 10 years time getting those questions!!! Well the first question is easy I guess. It's a simple no xD

 

 

Now in conlusion, what would I do? Right now I'm and waiting. Tho I am starting to lose confidence. I don't know if I want to remain the oddball or just be happy that I'm an oddball!!! I am personally against those dating sites that keep spamming my hotmail and facebook. I am not THAT desperate. And it's a phoney. I don't trust those sites. Doesn't sound very romantic to say, "oh we first met though a dating site" I guess my time has not come. But I kinda wish I know my fate so I can get some weight off my shoulders.

This is who I am - Vanessa Amorosi

sorry don't have the lyrics cos i wanna make sure that it's 100%

Half-asleep, lot’s of lols and wth?!?!?!

I should warn that this blog would have lots of errors.. even tho I'm using Word to type this… there could be phrases that make no sense at all.

 

Another (and third) placement. This time at Waverley, which was literally a 5 min drive from the social night venue XD

 

I did end up going to social night, even tho I said I woudn't cos of placement. But  I always get like 5-6 hours sleep the night before placement cos I think a lot, so I thought I might as well burn some energy and collapse on the bed the night before placement.

 

Social night was worth it. Food was fantastic. Better than other caterers cos I was actually full for once. But did end up feeling a bit tired cos I woke up early to prepare.

 

Anyways…  I hardly slept last night cos I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I had to wake up at 5:30 and head to Waverley =.= I wish I could wag but I can't!! >.<

 

For some reason my gps was stuffing up.. it planned to go on eastlink without warning me of toll charges. Changed the setting to go via "wellington rd" which gave me a route to go to monash fwy. So I used that route. But for some strange reason as soon as I'm on wellington road, it wants me to do a u-turn and go to eastlink o.0 and I checked the text to see further directions and it still going as planned. So I don't know what happened there.. got so annoyed of that gps that I turned it off and used my melway.

 

Got there early as usual but I didn't see any night shift crew cos there was no cars in the carpark. So I just waited and listened to music.

 

Someone came like… 10 mins later and we both went in the branch. It's bigger than the other branches I went to. More trucks (Box hill, Syndal and a clinic truck) but our Waverley truck isn't there…

 

Night shift crew turned up late cos they had to go to backup the monash crew or something… and not long after we checked everything, we got a call (woah.. not like a 3 hour wait like the other branches).

 

So we sorta done our work and took this patient to the hospital, watched them do one handover to the nurse at the entry (as always), transferred the patient to another bed and one of my crews was like, "now you go tell the nurse exactly what I said"

 

Me: ?? *looks at the nurse standing there waiting* WHAT!?!?! ME DO A HANDOVER!?!?!??!

Nurse: I'm not gonna bite you…. (by the way she said that, she looked like she was gonna bite me >.<)

 

Gah!! It was soo bad T.T I need to find a mnemonic to remember handovers. *sob*!!!

 

But that was over… on the way back to the branch and we get another call.

 

For the first time during placement, I was scared cos they drive freaky!!! Might be exciting with all those lights and sirens but they were like going on 80 on a 60 zone!! And the road and turns aren't as wide and I was clinging onto my seatbelt praying that we don't slam into another car x.x I don't think I have the guts to drive a massive vehicle at that speed and dodging cars. I like my own small car

 

And then and then.. we wanted to have a meal break~ drove to a bakery, which also sells pies and what not so I bought a shepherd's pie and a choc cookie. I've been craving for shepherd's pies for a while now. The choc cookies has from muesli in it so it tasted funny. I wanted to bake cookies for the Waverley branch but I didn't have eggs T.T

 

I was pretty sleepy after.. the 3 case I think that I leaned my head against this green cushion-ie bag that carries some airway management equipment and slept a bit. I wasn't paying attention to the radio and I wasn't paying attention to the crew talking lol

Driver: so what you hear on the radio comes from ALS-

Passenger: she's asleep

….. I could hear them but I was too sleepy to respond lol

 

The paramedics workstations at the hospitals are quite funny. Some hospitals have a drawn cartoon on paramedics, someone scribbling on the bulletin and I took a photo of 2 signs next to each other lol. I'm pretty sure the hospitals did that lol and there were a few scribbles on those signs as well XD. In one hospital someone pinned some massive gangster bracelet that has several skulls on it and there was a sign on it saying something like "challenge for all night shift crew: if you receive a prize that's better than this one then pin it on the board" and there was an arrow pointing to the "prize" and said something like "I also got *some* mask (or something..) that went with it but I wanted to keep it for myself!!"

 

We finally had a bit of a break. But that prob lasted about 15 mins until we got another one. Which was non-emergency.. I must've been really tired cos I bumped into their pool table =.=""

 

On the way to a non-emergency job, there was a song that the crew liked and turned up the music. I, of course haven't heard. Forgot what it was called but they told me to listen to the song cos "it's a classic" so I was listening very carefully to the lyrics and I had no comment =.= we got to the place we wanted to go but the song was still going and we just stayed in the truck til the song finished lol it sounded like it was in a musical or something

Driver: do you know what the song's about now?

Me: … yeah….

Driver: *goes on about what the song is about*

It was such a weird song..

 

But yeah we got to the patient who just needs to be transferred to hospital and it was pretty funny

Paramedic: [making the bed higher so it was the same height as our stretcher] anything bothering you atm [insert name here]?

Patient: yeah

Paramedic: and what's that??

Patient: ……you!

Paramedic: ……

Doctor: lol!!!

 

Took him to Alfred… it was a long drive and the hospital was soo big. A nurse passed the ID bracelet to me and asked me to put it on him. My initial thought was "I'm not a nurse" XD I kept fiddling with it to see how to put it on.

 

After that, I tagged along with the driver and helped him with putting the sheets on the stretcher. After that, I got asked if I know how to use the stretcher, and I told him that I was still used to the older (painful) stretchers. Showed me how to take the top part of the stretcher off. And there was an IV pole attached to the stretcher which I didn't know.

 

Driver: try assembling the IV pole be yourself

Me: ………………….

 

I was twisting, pulling, trying to find some obvious cues but it's wouldn't move!!! The driver was having a convo with another paramedic  and eventually that paramedic saw what I was doing to the stretcher. Lol there was this long pause. I was shown how to do it (finally!!) and in the end, I didn't pull/twist hard enough!!! Grr I need more strength in my hands!!!!

 

And that day was sooo hot!!!! It reached about 29 degrees but there was cool wind. And I was like flapping my sleeves to get some cool air in. my uniform is thick and my sleeves are quite long.

 

And that was our last case~ it was a long drive back cos it we coming back from Alfred. My contacts were annoying me cos I didn't had time to clean them. I was so tempted to take them off and throw them away!!

 

But it was a long day but it was pretty fun… got along with my crew… and I was so so tired.

 

Me: mum~~~ can I go sleep *watches her cook diner*

Mum: eat dinner first!

Me: T.T

 

Finished my dinner and then asked her again if I can go sleep. So I went to bed at 7pm