All the feelings in one bottle

I had a dream last night and it got me thinking... "Is that what I feel now?"

I was surrounded by eerie dark shade. I couldn't see anything. Then I saw a glow...kinda formed into a human figure... and....it was laughing...at me...

"W-why...are you laughing??" I said

And that figure was laughing even harder

??????

and then a loud echo floated across the space:

"FOOL!" and just continued on laughing.

.....................................

I must've got really mad at some point cos I was trying to fight. Punching, kicking, jumping... anything... But no matter how hard I punched or kicked, it was very very uneffective... mainly cos most of the time, it kept dodging my blows. I wasn't strong enough no matter how hard and how accurate I put into it.

After a long battle, it was finally defeated...the glow light dimmered... I was really tired....

*lies back down on the ground*

.... and I heard laughing again....

I got up and saw two figures laughing at me. I was feeling even more frustrated and ended up fighting both of them... and once they were gone, they just keep going and going. And multiplying every time once a figure is gone. I was too tired to do anything that I just collapsed...and I woke up...

.....odd.............dream.......... =.=

It kinda reminded me of another dream...last week? or maybe a few days ago...

Can't remember how it started... but I was doing a normal activity and knocked out of my consciousness... seriously can't remember.... prob got hit by a car or got attacked on the street/home *shrugs* nooooo idea....then...

It was a fine day...and I was walking...I knew straight away I was in Monash. But...it was soooooo quiet.....so....empty... not one person in sight. "Must've been a weekend", I thought

walkie walkie~ to...the campus centre...empty.... went up the stairs...

Sooo.....quiet...... o.o

And I found myself walking to the Main Dining Hall. And only one person was there. A girl... Asain girl with her ponytail, a beige jumper and demin jeans...And she looked at me after doing some work on her folder.

"About time!" the girl said.

.................................

holy crap...... wth am I doing here..... and wth is my sister doing here?!?!?!?!

"Looking after you as usual," she explained, "Now hurry up, I got some work to do"

....."Is it...the weekend?" I asked.
"What are you talking about.. It's Wednesday."
"...Then why aren't there many ppl around...?"
"It's always quiet here...."

We ended up walking to the eng building together... Mechanical emg of course... went to this room...I remember that room... I went in there while she did her honours project, when I was a little child.

We were...discussing....stuff.... Talking about vic uni...the moving house thing...the nephews... then the next thing she said to me was...

"You're not like me you know...You're not strong enough..."
"I know... But I'm trying..."
"Be careful.... You're not safe"
"................................I'm....not?"
"You're all alone now... You gotta do it on your own"

and that darn alarm clock woke me up >.> grr......

I kinda dismissed that...It was...after all...a dream...

But I'm kinda one of those that take dreams seriously... Sometimes I wonder if it's a coincidence... or more like deja vu...

But those two dreams are probably reflecting how I feel atm...

Lonliness: omg I don't know how to cope if I was in NSW... I'm grateful I got my dog to keep me company. Or I could be EXTREMELY depressed... I'm starting to miss the usual social lunches... sad I missed the BBQ... everyday at the cafe, I sit alone...with no one to talk to. Hover around the chat and msn, but hardly anyone was there... It's almost a month now... last year in Monash I was alone for like...2 weeks... til I befriended Angelique. So glad she was there to keep me company...lol..even with her mind in the gutter, she was still a nice person. Someone I always depend on... someone to sit next to in lectures and tutes... copy notes cos I missed them

Happiness: I'm happy at times. Watching youtube vids that were related to the lecture was funny XD. Met most ppl in my discussion group and did the "getting to know you" (omg... surrounded by....shall I say... mature age ppl? my group has 10 ppl.... 8 of them older than me... and this girl was the only one fresh out of high school) Met.... a girl who's around her....40s.... and she goes to the gym around the same time as I do. She's in my course as well. And I wanted to tag along with her when it came to "Self directed learning", which is where we turn up to uni and practice what we learnt so far.

Sadness: The balance of happiness... somehow my eyes were crying after I woke up with wierd dreams... but other than that.... I'm a bit sad that I can't visit monash everyday...and that camp thing... I dunno if I can go... at the same time, I wanna keep mum company...but...I dunno when I'm gonna see my friends again...I got one clinical placement on the 6th April...but like...I think mum wants to give me chores to keep me busy... =.=

Paranoia: Ok... This "westside" thing is starting to impact me. I get really scared that something bad is going to happen. I was taking the bins out at night and I heard footsteps. My heart was racing but I kept wlking anyway. Was kinda relieved that it was one of my neighbours on the other side of the fence walking. But still... Every time, I open the door to let my dog out, I was scared that suddenly a hand just comes out of no where and grabs mine as well. Maybe someone somehow sneaked into my house (yes..there are times I left the door open for 20 seconds.....) and maybe hid somewhere... I really should stop reading that local newspaper....which is filled with recent mug attacks, ppl in critical condition...etc etc =.=

"I dunno": I had chats with a few people on this... (not gonna mention their names) But I did confess to....I think...one person (perhaps two...) that sometimes I felt that I shouldn't go back to monash... At the same time, I do want to visit, but something(s) are holding me back. (hence the "I dunno"). The things thats holding me back is how people changed so SO much since I'm gone. And I told that one person (or 2...) that I found out that ppl went NUTS since I'm not there anymore. Swearing went up by 250%, immaturity levels went up even higher. (prob the absence of my aura). Lurking around the chat forum now is making me feel a lil bit uncomfortable... That person did agree...
So...I dunno...if I should go back.... we got like.... "more than we lost" so.... I'm also trying to say here is that me not turning up doesn't make a difference at all. They're having tons of fun without me there. And having lots of fun getting the "freedom of my aura". So I'm a bit worried that if I do turn up....ppl aren't gonna be happy cos they would feel restricted that they have to lower their language from R-rated to PG rated and mind what they say...

Disappointment: I think this person changed a lot...or maybe I wasn't....looking hard enough... but with the inappropriate content at me, I kinda felt like, I'm losing respect... (sure it was a "joke" but seriously...sometimes it went too far that I couldn't stand it anymore) Reflecting from the incident from last year, during my "moaning period", sometimes I ask myself... "why didn't I strom off? Why did I stay there?" well...I didn't want to cause any dramas.... I tried to be brave and confront that person with as little words as possible (cos I was fighting my feelings inside at the same time). Kinda thankful that someone got my back and put an end to it. (Thanked him on msn that night. I just wanted to be strong.....) but.....even though I hear ppl say that that person is nice and caring... Sometimes I felt that I could feel the same and get some respect and be treated the same....Other than that... I feel disappointed at myself too...

Frustration: I'm just...frustrated at myself for getting these feelings over and over again. I can't wait for time to pass and be able to jump over this wall that I'm currently facing...I'm gonna be spending another painful week by myself... It's only 3 weeks since I last saw my friends...but it felt like YEARS! I just wanna go back and see them but I just don't have the TIME! T.T I wish I could have fun here but it's not the same...

Weak: Ok...I know it doesn't make sense.... But I just wanna be strong.... I'm trying to 'harden' my outside and hide my feelings inside... I just...want to be strong right now.... Kinda delaying a moment I have to write about cos it relates to my topic for the whole sem... my group topic is "grieving people" and my first task that I have to do on my own is to write an event where I dealt with "grieving people" and that's... taking me back to 6 months ago.... where the police went to my house one Tuesday night.... to going to the morgue....to the countless emails I received from co-workers/friends/relatives...to the funeral...

Determination: Apart from all that... There are things that do keep me going and I'm gonna keep my head held up. The reason why I'm here, right now, is the viscous layer on top that doesn't mix with these feelings... I'm gonna be joyous with all the good times and just keep going.

On another note, there were fun times at uni... the prac was...well...someone was always there to keep the prac entertaining and give us all a laugh... Last week, we were practising with loading the stretcher on and off the truck (just an imitation truck..not a real one..) and man....its soo heavy once someone is on x.x we're just not used to pushing/pulling with our ENTIRE body... we were all using our arms to do all the work.. x.x

We had a guy on the stretcher. All strapped in and all. I'm guessing his weight was around....70kgs...man I got no strength in my arms.....-.- lol and I got like... 2 other girls to help me to push the stretcher on the truck.

"PUSH!!!!!!!", we all said. It's like...3 girls pushing one guy in a truck XD lol and the undercarriage was a lil rough.. the poor guy xD and once we were done he was like.. "sound's like you're giving birth or something"

all 3 girls were like... -.-"""

me: "let's leave him there...."

*turns around and pretends to walk off* XD

eh..the stretchers will take...some getting used to...