Yes I admit… today I spent the afternoon procrastinating instead of studying for the test. But at the same time…during the procrastination.. is when I also learnt about myself.
I have finally started rewatching my second season of Criminal Minds. I was a bit reluctant in watching it again for a stupid reason… seeing dead bodies/corpses lol. But in real life, they see more of those compared to what I will see in the future.
But there was this one episode…at the end… and one of my favourite characters is making his last appearance on that episode. And what he says in the end kind of reflects of what I've been going through recently.
The last episode of season 1 (I think..), Gideon (the character I admire for his wisdom) was involved in a crime scene where a serial killer killed his best friend/work collegue/"date". And he was grieving for his loss. And since then he didn't focus 100% in his job. At his last appearance, he was paying for his meal at a café and the waitress has a convo with him:
Gideon:"Oh yeah"
Waitress:"Travelling?"
Gideon:"Yeah."
Waitress:"Where you headed?"
Gideon:"No where in particular."
Waitress:"How will you know when you get there?"
Gideon:"[Smiling and thinking]That's a good question. [Glances at Waitress's name tag]Rose, that's a good question. Have a great day."
Waitress:"You too."
Gideon [narrating]: "I guess I'm just looking for it again. For the belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first seen Sarah, and it all seems so right."
Reid's voice of reading Gideon's letter:" The belief of happy endings."
I guess that was what I was seeking for recently. So I can move on. A belief that I had in high school. That things will be better in the future if I just be strong and push on.
In the past week I had been wondering why I was here. Why this job of all others? Is this my destiny to do pursue this career? Am I capable enough to do this?
And at the same time, I was torn between friends and work. Yes I have changed a lot… I guess I've been a complete opposite compared to last year. I kinda felt that some people aren't accepting this 'new' me. and with my lack of social-ness with them now, I also feel excluded. My priorities… or people I feel I don't blend in anymore? I had moments where I don't remember what I did last year. When I recently went to monash to retrace my steps last weekend and also to show a bit of support before their performance for manifest, they called me a name that I have not heard in such a long time that I forgot lol. Well recently I seem to wake up confused.. (no I do not take illicit drugs) like.. sometimes I wonder where I was… or what day it is. And when I know the answer I felt stupid cos I never was that confused. Wth I should know where I am first thing in the morning!!
Anyways… I think I was thinking the same questions for… a week and a half? And tbh, I was still a bit traumatized from an incident. I had a few questions from friends asking about my old pm on msn "PTSD? It's too early…" I've like.. literally suppressed that memory but certain things remind me of it and it just comes back to me. And I cried cos I was scared that it's going to come back again. And I came to realise that I was in a high risk of PTSD. Why on earth did I pick a career that has a high risk of PTSD?
I prefer to be alone in times like this. Sort things out. Away from friends. Away from those people that won't accept me for who I am now. Like how Gideon went driving off to find an answer. But then again.. there was a darn test to freaking study so that had to come first lol! Thinking can go later.
But now, after watching Gideon driving off on the country road and saying that he was finding a belief in happy endings, I think that was the answer I was looking for.
Chose this job to save lives… although I haven't actually encountered an incident where I saved someone's life and felt good about it, I believe I will someday in the future. I will make something out of this job. If there was an unfortunate incident, I will still think about all the other ppl I save. Whatever happens, I will pull through. My only happy goal is to successfully finish this course and to see my lecturers watch me grow, as I've watched myself grow. From a shy girl who would not talk to anyone, afraid on needles and having lack of confidence, to a paramedic who is a leader and also acts as a social worker and can talk to just about anyone.
As for friends… there's a saying that friends are there to support one another. I learnt that I can't hide it all. Too much on my shoulders that I couldn't do it alone sometimes. Especially the pain of having to not tell anyone about certain information. Right now, I am extremely grateful to have kriz as my friend. She knew my problems from the beginning so I had a tendency to go to her and talk about just about anything. Last weekend we talked for hours~~ and managed to tease Alex at the same time XD
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