I just had that exam. I was stressing myself out because even tho I know it all, I don't want to be the small few that failed cos they don't know it.
Ok.. I did well on the first one.. second one… was.. well.. it would be considered fail.. T.T but I read the lecture notes.. I was just.. confused T.T
The assessor (who was the coordinator) and I had a long talk… a LONG talk.. she prob saw my moist eyes that she gave me another chance to do it again. I was still nervous and fumbling around with the arm cuff.. how embarrassing.. I couldn't get the air out the cuff…and this time I done it again. But I explained it this time.. and then she was like..
"you're JUST off the mark"
(dammit!!!! I failed again T.T!!!!!!)
She said that I need to practise more… and to build up more confidence. She knew in the first place that I was shy and nervous.. and I told her I didn't want to hurt anyone.. I was too gentle…
In the end she gave me a pass. But I cried on the way to the car and on the way home.
I can't believe I'm still CHILDISH!!! I wanna GROW GODDAMMIT!!! I've been wanting that for soo long!! Sometimes I felt mature.. but today proved me wrong. I'm still on square one…
I'm just soo mad at myself.. for being who I am.. I wanna grow.. I wanna be strong.. and stop being TOO gentle…I want to stop running away.. I want to stop crying too..
It's like that dream I had earlier.. I need to 'cut' this thing… this thing that is holding me in together… like a parent smothering their child in cotton wool. Protecting them from any harm, that not a scar is laid on them. I feel like I'm smothered in cotton wool and I want to break free. I want to be mature. I want to grow. I've made so many sacrifices.. but I guess this one sacrifice will make a big difference. And will leave a massive scar.
But first… I have to find 'it' and once I find 'it' I will "cut it out" and discard it.
I think it's a path a lot of us travel. I wanna grow up, and stop crying also. I've been told by some people that they think I'm childish. My current behaviors and how I reacted to everything in the past few months. Because I wasn't mature enough to stand up and move on like everyone else.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay. I think it's something we all realise slowly. One day you shall look back, and the you who still needed to learn so much about life will be a thing of the past. Slowly, you will grow up to be the person you envisioned to be.